Michael is on vacation this week. Filling in for him is Chanel S. Garner, a regular soapcentral.com contributor, whose work you may be familiar with in our Daily Recaps section. This marks the first opportunity she has had to share her opinions -- and the floodgates have really opened up.
This week was "Bold and Beautiful, baby!" How could it not be with our favorite commentator, "Clarence," officiating Marcus and Dayzee's nuptials? Clarence's presence was certainly one of the highlights in a long week of investigations, cover-ups, eye rolls, and tears as two newlywed wives wondered who the heck they'd married. Dayzee and Hope found out just what their husbands will do to cover their own butts, and one new bride might not even actually be married to her groom yet.
Dr. Meade popped in and out this week to care for his patient as Lieutenant Baker and son continued to investigate Marcus' actions the night he hit Anthony. For those hoping Steffy would hop on Meade's table to play doctor with him, I'm sorry to report that she was too busy making Bob Hope jokes with Liam to be concerned about the rotation in her knee. It's too bad, because something tells me that Dr. Meade would do a house call or two.
If you blinked, you would have missed Taylor, who trucked her way up to Forrester for no other reason than to worry about the video. Then we saw Bill for about five minutes. He was relegated to delivery boy for a day, couriering papers to Liam in Ridge's office of all places.
As for the main players this week:
At the wedding, Caroline was better than any guard dog the Forresters could ever buy as she barred anyone -- including the police -- from interrupting the wedding. Apparently, she's a vault of secrets, too, now that Thomas blabbed every detail of Marcus' crime to her. I don't know what possessed Thomas to make her a hearsay witness, but then urge Marcus not to disclose it to his wife, who is exempt from testifying against her husband in court.
I'm on the border of accusing Thomas of corrupting Caroline. He involved her in Marcus' legal issues, and then later in his father's office, Thomas tossed Caroline against the wall and started unbuttoning his shirt, as if he was going to take her right there. She was all flustered and excited -- and so was I -- until he innocently changed his shirt and suggested they visit Anthony. Thomas was flat-out wrong for that shameless teasing, but he sure left her asking, "Rick who?"
The ailing Anthony was singing Marcus' heroic praises from the hospital bed until the Bakers informed him that Marcus had hit him while texting and driving. Perhaps I'm just a layperson when it comes to the police questioning witnesses, but I could have sworn that it's not proper procedure for the police to lead the witnesses -- or give them details of the case. Yet "Barney and Fife" wasted no time in filling in the gaps in Anthony's memory, and Anthony ordered them to throw the book at Marcus.
After the wedding night, Marcus revealed the truth to his bride, and she rushed to Anthony's side at the hospital. Marcus babbled that he was sorry for texting and driving, and the Bakers took that as a confession. Marcus stammered that he'd been apologizing for texting and driving -- not confessing to it! I didn't know there was a difference, but I wish he'd exercise his right to remain silent before he builds his own prison cell, bar by bar.
Marcus kept repeating that he'd been just teasing in those texts to Dayzee. As it dawned on him that he hadn't had to send that last message, I half expected to hear a choir bust out with Lean On Me and to see Stephanie's scarf floating in the air. Yes, Bell, we hear your PSA loud and clear: Texting and driving can kill a friendship. If you don't believe me, just recall how evilly Dayzee was looking at Anthony at the end of the episode.
Marcus asserted that he couldn't go to jail because he had a wife and a job to tend to. Looks like he forgot all about his daughter, Rosey, of whom he made no mention as the Bakers hauled him off. Whether Marcus and Dayzee's marriage will last depends upon Dayzee's desire to be pen pals with a convict and whether Marcus can write letters as fast as he can text-message, because he won't have that "gizmo," as Anthony calls it, behind bars.
Being a couch CSI detective myself, I have some serious questions about this accident. For one, the cell phone report reveals that Marcus sent a text and called for help 27 seconds later. Marcus had to move faster than Superman to text, hit Anthony, realize it, park the car, get out, run around to see Anthony, kneel beside him, whip out the phone, and dial emergency services within 27 seconds. But he probably wishes he actually was Superman, because faster than a speeding bullet, he could have bellowed a scream, flown around the world, reversed time, and saved Lois Lane -- uh, I mean Anthony. Lord knows Marcus has the body for it. Did you see him shirtless up at Big Bear?
Second, from all the pedestrian accidents I've heard of, the reports usually say the victim was thrown into the air by the inertia of the speeding vehicle. Dr. Meade theorized that Marcus had plowed into Anthony without braking. If this was the case, Anthony should have flipped into the air and landed several feet away. Remarkably, Marcus found Anthony practically beneath the wheel of his car; therefore, he couldn't have hit Anthony at 55 miles per hour, as Charles had stated.
At that speed, Charles said a car could travel the length of a football field in 4.6 seconds, but also at the speed, Marcus would have been traveling fast enough to punt Anthony through a goal post and into outer space. Let's not even get into where Marcus' speeding ticket is, if he'd been going that fast.
Seeing Anthony so close to Marcus' car had instantly led me to believe that it had been a minor accident. I was dumbfounded to see Anthony pulverized like hamburger meat as he lay sprawled out in the road. Even more perplexing were his head bandages, broken ribs, and other injuries, which all signified that he had indeed been hit by something more powerful than a locomotive.
Marcus needs Justin to start checking into some insurance fraud, if you ask me. Either that, or maybe Marcus hit Anthony because Anthony was already lying there after someone else had hit him first. I don't know what else makes sense, because it seemed that Marcus was returning to the café, and if Anthony was right outside the café, then Marcus would have been slowing down to turn into the driveway or park on the street. Maybe I'm getting too dramatic, but I live for a good plot twist.
I don't know why Anthony's so upset, though. Super Ortho-surgeon Dr. Meade can patch him up -- plus straighten out the foot that Anthony's father had disfigured when Anthony was a child. It looks like he got a bonus in the deal, right? What if Dr. Meade can give him a new bionic leg? And, if Anthony plays his cards right, maybe his blonde-bombshell friend, Brooke, will pull that old nurse's uniform out of her magical closet and pay him a visit.
Speaking of Brooke's closet, Steffy and Hope were each unnaturally interested in it during the week. While I thank the heavens that Hope wants to change up her "Howdy-Doody" wardrobe, I find it odd that she was interested in her mother's old clothes. No one could ever possess me to don anything from my mother's circa 1970's disco-freak wardrobe -- not even the ghost of George Jefferson. And in Hope's case, she'd already been traumatized by merely sliding on her mom's panties a few months back. Isn't Hope afraid that Ridge designed Brooke's clothes to fall off at will?
Apparently, Steffy knows what's up in Brooke's closet and confessed to Liam her desire to get in there and discover Brooke's secrets to keeping a man. Hope doesn't have to worry about Liam going all "Pose" with Brooke, because he was grossed out as Steffy imagined what kinky debauchery Brooke's closet might hold. What's in Brooke's closet? I don't know, but it's got to be wilder than Steffy's theory of man-eating feather boas, and I suspect that Brooke's got a stock of rechargeable batteries, too...
Brooke must also have a stockpile of Viagra, because ever since the engagement, Ridge has been overly anxious to load something to Brooke's "hard drive." Brooke and Ridge slobbered all over each other at the wedding, but afterward, she managed to persuade him to put the wedding pictures on her laptop before any hanky-panky. What Ridge saw when he accessed her laptop was enough to kill any father's Viagra high.
Incredibly, Brooke had been so outraged by Liam and Steffy's Italy video that she'd somehow forgotten it was there and managed to upload it to her own computer. Ridge got an eye-full of Liam tonguing Steffy and rolling around with her on a bed. That's not a sight any father cares to see, especially not when it had been the prelude to the same man marrying that father's other daughter.
The video shut off before papa Ridge was blinded for life, but he'd seen enough to convince him that Liam was still in love with Steffy. Ridge knows all the signs, because he is an expert at constantly bouncing between two perfectly good women for decades. He told Brooke as much, but Brooke acted as if she'd blocked out the Tridge years.
I would love to have walked on set at that moment -- without knocking because no one else does -- to remind Brooke of just how many times Ridge had married her -- or was about to marry her -- only to turn around and say that he had to roll with Taylor and her brood instead. "She's right, Logan..." I can practically hear Ridge say in response.
In fact, in addition to a lingerie trick shop in Brooke's closet, Brooke ought to have a jewelry store full of engagement rings in there, too. I have to hand it Liam -- at least he's socially conscious enough to recycle rings. Meanwhile, Brooke is flashing her sixth ring from Ridge, which looks like a diamond-encrusted cockroach on her finger.
Brooke figured that Ridge would have had sense enough to delete the video from her computer, but Ridge shrugged, assuming that she'd wanted to keep it for some reason. Yes, Ridge, Brooke plans to move it over to her sex tape folder to keep alongside the "Pose" flick, the Bridget and Owen scandal, and the lab footage of you and Brooke getting busy after creating BeLieF.
Brooke headed home to get rid of the evidence, but Hope had already slung the laptop down on the floor, and she was quaking and sobbing in a way that only Dr. Barton's happy pills could cure. Brooke comforted her daughter, but in the back of her mind, she had to be seething that Hope owed her a new laptop. I don't know what it is about the new generation hurtling expensive property around like preschool toys.
Brooke tried to defend Liam, but Hope didn't want to hear it. Hope had been so appalled by Liam's shirtless body hovering over Steffy on the bed that Hope hadn't even heard the part where Liam talked about her like a dog. That's the part I just knew she was going to be the most mad about. But she let it roll right over her head and only heard he was done with her -- which sent her off the deep end.
Liam and Steffy were on the Forrester rooftop saying "goodbye" and "cha-cha-cha" for the umpteenth time. Steffy left him up there, but he followed her like a puppy dog to Ridge's office, where the errand-boy for the week, Bill Spencer, arrived with paperwork to legalize Liam's marriage in the United States. Steffy then went to her own office, where her no-patient-having mother was twiddling her thumbs and waiting to hear the latest in the triangle saga.
Bill must have a GPS tracking system installed in Liam's sword necklace to be able to locate Liam with such precision. Maybe it's just a given that Liam would be somewhere over at Forrester Creations, visiting his harem. I'm amazed to see Bill even on the property, because delivering papers should have been a lowly job for Justin or Alison.
While Steffy was in her office, montaging her and Liam's Aspen wedding to their favorite song, Liam confessed his indiscretion to his father. Just like President Clinton, Liam exclaimed, "I did not have sex with that woman!" Hopefully, this final declaration will put to rest any suspicions that there's more to the video, or a baby in Steffy's future.
A baby would be the worst fashion accessory for Steffy. I can see her carrying it on her chest in a tacky fur sling. Besides, it would age the cast beyond belief. It's already a stretch that Brooke is a grandmother, but to make Queen Stephanie a great grandmother? I tell you, these kids, they "SORAS" so fast, a week after the birth, Steffy's kid will be battling Katie's kid for control of Spencer.
When Liam got home with the marriage license, Hope looked at him as if her head was about to spin around like the Exorcist, and she lit into him about his raunchy romp before walking down the aisle. Liam looked like a puppy who'd gotten caught peeing on mommy's favorite rug, and Hope eyed the unsigned marriage license like it was a get out of jail free card.
Hope had better tread carefully, because Steffy already has Liam snowflakes twinkling in her eyes at the thought that the marriage might not survive. Why either of the two talented sisters wastes any time on Loser Liam is beyond me. Steffy ought to realize all the Bob Hope jokes and "cha-cha-cha-ing" in the world won't take Liam from Hope, and it's plain for Hope to see that, unless she cocoons his heart in bubble wrap, he's going to run to Steffy to have her kiss his every boo-boo.
The sad part of this story is that the women actually like each other. Steffy and Hope respect each other and would be friends if Liam were not in the picture. Heck, even Taylor and Brooke realized that about each other -- as long as each stays away from other's son, that is. The sugary kindness between these women makes me want to vomit. What happened to all the good old catfights? People shoved in pools, smashed through glass windows, and smacked into the stratosphere?
What made the Brooke/Ridge/Taylor triangle work for the show for all these years is sorely lacking from the new generation's triangle. Bell needs to delve back into his father's archive and see that the major element for a juicy triangle is a likeable hero. For all of Ridge's faults, he actually has more depth to him than Liam, and Ridge was a man worth fighting for. Liam, on the other hand, is still wet behind the ears and waffles for the simplest of reasons.
Liam's also a hypocrite to leave Steffy over her manipulations, but then pull Steffy and Brooke into his own web of lies and half-truths. Ridge, however, was usually the one being manipulated in one way or another by his mother, and he'd stick to his choice of woman for a long time. Liam has flipped back and forth between the women in his triangle at lightning speed, practically episodically while in Italy. And he does it for the weakest of reasons, always blaming the woman du jour, who apparently didn't make his bottle at the right temperature.
Hope and Steffy, just like their mothers, will ultimately resort to offering Liam to each other as a gift. Doing that never quite worked for Brooke and Taylor, but at least the last time, Taylor had sense enough withhold nooky before the wedding, which never happened due to Stephanie's confession. I vote for Steffy to move into the cliff house, and the three can live happily ever after -- off my screen.
Next week, I predict Bill will take a stroll over to Steffy's office with a renewed drive to bust up his son's marriage. Like a magnet, Liam will go crying to Steffy, and if Hillary B. Smith is still on contract, Hope will wind up on Dr. Barton's couch -- that is unless, like Taylor, Dr. Meade transforms into a psychiatrist. Hopefully, Marcus will have the good sense to make up with his attorney father for the butt-dialing incident, because Marcus is in serious need of Justin's legal expertise.
